BIG MOOLAR!

 A pal of mine, more like Ken’s friend and him, taught me how to dream big, big money, big house just “big”. They taught me never to keep saying for now to mean no moolar for now!, It becomes “forever” do not be afraid to dream big you never know when opportunity will come knocking, you got to have planned for it or how??!!

You know I have had this tendency of 'returning myself' or do I say fearing to dream big money even before the small one is not within vicinity. I like consoling myself that’s its being realistic but as I was told, “what you proclaim {power of the tongue) happens so".

At times we could hold a conversation with Ken and out of the blues he mentions,” where can I get half an M right now I do , 1,2,3 things? Am like, “dude!>>….do you know if such money were to drop from above and landed on my feet (jobless corner dreamers kinda reasoning, don’t mind!!}I would have a ‘culture shock’??maybe I’d sweat all over, take afew, store the rest and first hit the locals to absorb shock and also scroll my phone book for ‘company’*wink* kinda maskini akipata…… heng heng…..!

But why do people I meet(I’ve met quite a number) find the pleasure from to lay bare money factors or the money thing, how big monied or connected they are?? Is it that I look of that chaste too and now they “cock sizing” or what or for the mere intimidation,?? like the PM told me “huyo mtu anaanza kukushow kuhusu venye budake ana doo ni kukuintimidate na most ni mafantasy anaweza like uwe kwa hiyo position uko to be intimidated all through ili abaki akikushow hivo, unadhani ukiwa na doo atataka hata uwe beshte yake, na venye hana any, ni mafantasy tu?!! he he,..

How do you start imagining of half an M even before you have handled the 20 shillings? Ee”any way bla bla alot of her own version of the story but I listen for she has  a 'point' right’’’’? eh. By the way I say  if there 's among others, reason I cannot afford to 'lalia' is because I live with a very intelligent PM to detect my cheekiness too and "always try to get ahead of competition or else you‘ll be wiped out of market",  he he... get my drift??

For him and his buddy they were like, “would do all the positives with the cash” grow another,>> he he, whereas maybe just to be on the safer side, i would get a financial manager or did I forget my 'PM' and give her some, failure to that is squandering, maybe I’d leave a mark of generosity to all the 'lablers' of wakathangos as 'mean’ to be proven otherwise mostly in each bar I visit and all the persons of out that love such impressions will be onlist. Huuu!!.

At other times Ken will go like, "dude  find yourself like 20k for fuel we go shagz over the weekend”, take note that’s just 'fuel’ and am like, “dude ,, do you know that’s somebody’s salary for a whole month!!” I keep telling myself maybe my background (humble abode) is what make me feel so intimidated per say, by such talk of big money. But I say some of these hallucinious people, how do you start imagining of half a million even before you have the little 20 shilling that you’ve worked for and earned and the situation you are in does not look like dropping that miracle of big money on your door step. First you say of how monied you are azin (family wise ) or were but now the reality is 'its not there'!, for I believe also people with such hallucinations “come from somewhere” but its like “running even before you crawl!!

To drive the point home they started to explain to me of their real life experiences, I guess I can be the next Jeff by making people speak of ‘the story of their lives’ on the bench or something. Story for another day.

Onto my story, I guess I went to school (read campus mostly) more in the name of pleasing my peros' kinda thing more than the course i had taken of my life after the adult mark or what I had planned to do with my life after hi skul rather but all the more grateful because it has given me time to grow, mature and discover myself but all the more important I did not disappoint them. After all I got a chance to and learn how to love what I was sent to do, 'aik' a living for myself and the peroz expectations cannot fall short of that 'be independent'. Education is the only thing given to me .

The other day my old lady called and she was like, “dude you are joking, you still haven’t got yourself a job??  Ee the ration that your zack gives shall be cut off soon because you are now joking!!” that explains how high their expectations are and to mention the old man who knows it can be tight mostly living with a woman and chips in kiasi, but she had to highlight that for me to see the seriousness though I hardly ask for it (ration) for the shame more and less of a man that 'desires his own' and also mindful of other siblings.

I refuse to know the current Kenyan or worldwide living conditions of unemployment rates among the youth, corruption in job placements and other bad lucks. But I tell them (more of old lady) 'appointed time' is coming. Very soon their worries shall be over!! In fact then it will be, “why you never come see us?? For the busy schedule!!,

Of short lived vows!

Never again shall I fall or become a victim of E-dating, for real this stuff is sick and never again shall i try it. This particular weekend i doned my best pair of jeans, shoes and a t-shirt I purchased for this particular date from the exhibition not Gikomba. I was particularly arrogant since Wanjiku (PM) had travelled upcountry and today I was in no particular mood for my 'chips funga', and since i was paid my mood was good.

My 'chips funga' saw me before i had a chance to sneak from the estate. She had to know what i was up to 'Kwani leo una date?' she asked me while demanding that I buy a flying horse. While other idlers of mtaa were like, backing her, "Aaaa weee Bin Mbayi si huyu mtu ana date si kawaida yake kuwa hivi ama?". I dismissed the allegations saying i was going to babysit for my sister who had to travel upcountry and hastilly made my exit before I became the day's talk.

In town at the stage I met my neighbour who managed to drag me to Grogon next to Nairobi river, this joint that serves the best Muratina. I was to part ways with him at two inorder to be in time but actually did part ways at five, I had started digging my grave. I dashed to the stage only to get hyper inflated fare as it was an end month weekend and people were traveling alot, since I didn't want to dissappoint my 'Mrembo' I agreed to part with this amount which was abit obscene regarding the distance.

I got to my destination at around eight and I knew I was in for it, as we were supposed to meet at around five in the evening. Again things took a sudden turn as this time around I met a former high school mate who was not going to leave me unless i decided to have one with him on his bill, before long it was nine headed to ten.

Knock knock. "Ooooh hii ndio saa unakuja ulikuja kuona hao mabeste wako ama mimi??eee fanya hivi, rudi kwa wao, look at you, stupid man!!". As the door was banged behind her. I staggered to town holding a private conversation with myself and cursing. I quickly found a watering hole and went ahead and drowned my sorrow and not long before the barmaid thought  I was a good company and came to my rescue, though I had to part with a beer.

After a while she decided to offer me help by booking for me a room using my money after a half baked emotional story of how I came to be in this situation. I cant remember how the rest of the evening went on but I woke up around 12 with  a terrible headache alone in the lodging minus my wallet and phone. I headed to 'Mrembo's place who looked at me like I had porridge instead of a brain luckilly enough she made me breakfast cum lunch but i was not going to get coitus despite how hard i tried to plead my case.

I swallowed my pride and decided this weekend was officially over. Luckily for me in the small jeans pocket i had stuffed a 200sh note which luckily didn't vanish. We parted with 'Mrembo' after a conversationless escort and did mathematics to please her or for 'the lunch' or a later 'rematch' and bought her credit, since now I had no exact fare and Mrembo didn't or couldn't want to hear my case the conductor made me stand on a slow overcrowded bus to Nairobi.

You may think my troubles were over but not yet for I have to brave this weather till morning as in my confused state I boarded a bus which took me the opposite side from my residence and that 'kashaitani' of conductor couldn't warn me! or else i didn't ask. As am writting this with the help of the street lamp warming myself next  to the good hearted watchman while sipping my liquor i cant help but wonder what tomorrow holds as Wanjiku(PM) has to sleep all alone something she constantly reminds me it was not the reason why she got married!!.

Gender boorish

Am a keen observer of our physical world and what goes on around. One thing that has baffled me is trying to understand the feminines' gender school of thought and behaviour. Am not gay and honestly I do appreciate women and their goodies. Women need to appreciate themselves  for we men to appreciate them in return. What follows is an incident that happened to me as i was waiting for a matatu to head to town.

There is this drop dead gorgeous fly mama from our mtaa, when she passes she leaves behind heads turned (all heads) and a sweet sweet aroma am sure by now you know the kind of woman am talking about.

This good blessed morning I was lucky enough to have been graced by her presence which had an intoxicating effect on me thank God  my Wanjiku (read PM) was not around to tame my straying eyes (if yours does not do this know she also got her own ventures)!.

Am sure all the men present at that time noticed her but that was not enough, she also had to intimidate the other ladies. Since I was the one standing next to her I had a generous view of her cleavage straight to her back (one nasty back) right to her edible legs. She realized I was staring and I also saw her smile and look from vagina of eye and for a moment I convinced myself that am single.

"Hi you look so familiar". She said. The smile she gave me made me mellow and weak in the knees and it wasn't long before i had pictured her naked with me on top of her (wooi! what a literal 'dress down').

''Town forty bob town forty bob". We got into the literally empty matatu and it seemed lady luck was in my hot pursuit since she came and took the seat next to mine. I was immediately served with a generous view of her full cleavage and her inside yellow yellow thigh of elephant, which I comfortably enjoyed this time in private.

Had my Wanjiku been there hell would have no fury and also that would have meant me being under probation minus half of my salary (fuck this new constitution)!. The conductor finally got to us and unblinkingly "Nyaguthii" turned and faced me directly in the face as one hand went into her bag and fished what I imagined to be a black berry. "Si unilipie fare chali kama wewe si mtu wa kukosa forty bob" (more of a demand than request)! (Really , some of you ladies , who are your mothers??) i remember when growing up this was a greater crime than eating at your neighbour's, you'd really get a spanking from the old lady aty you were borrowing i dono sweets, "kwenu eee mamayako uliskia hana pesa ya swity au ungekosa ufe eeeeeee!!!your ass would be very sore by spanks or thighs peeling off by the pinches before she was through with the 'sermon'.

She said this loud enough for the conductor to over hear and he quickly decided to side with her and gave me my change from the note I had given to him. Cut a long story short after paying the fare this lady started giving me looks to suggest i was visually raping her and that the show was over! What angered me most was that just as she was about to alight she turned and asked me. "Who is Steve Jobs". Was this chick for real, sheer daftness or measuring devil?? this made me appreciate my Wanjiku (PM) the more and tonight am going to make endless love with her. Typical Eastlanda ghetto hustler style up (i guess this an art she's perfected every morning), which reminds me no lunch for Mr Sido *sobs* *sobs*hunger pangs!!nkt

The older woman syndrome

The prospect of having dated a much older woman had always sent a thrill down my young stiff spine, i had always wondered what older women especially from the estate thought about me. I remember having fantasies about my mother's friends, but that is a story of another day.

On this particular day I got early from job and decided to hit the 'kalocal' joint, unfortunately Mututho (curse him) said i couldn't use my hard earned money without his permission at my usual spot. I decided to go to the next spot though in the neighbourhood catered for a much classic kind of people but since it was the only spot open and my pocket had substantial strength, I decided to check it out. "Tusker malt warm please". I ordered . The first gave way to the second and before long i had changed tables as the number of empty bottles increased and soon i had forgotten about my usual spot. I found myself sitting next to two gracefully ageing ladies who had been eyeing me suggestively.

My pocket had gradually weakened but this was no problem as I was in some good, loving, capable hands and drinks were not an issue (yah! they were buying what do you think???eish!). At around seven Jane excused herself and left me with Charity , she had taken one too many and after saying she was leaving her in 'good hands' waved a cheeeky goodbye (wished she could have been the greater 'scorer'. )

"You have a lovely nose, it has a lovely bridge", said Charity. That must have been her pick up line because nobody I mean the opposite sex has ever complimented me about my nose and I had always taken it for granted. This made me get more drunk because my fantasy was going to become a reality leave for gathering strength to 'drive' the great 'trela' and no man (i say no man) in that bar was going to grab my treasure under my nose without a fight. At around eleven we decided to head to her home and 'fuck like bunnies' as she put it!

As we were heading to her car I hadn't noticed earlier that she was using a clutch as she was not using it to go to the toilet. I asked about it and she told me she got it after having survived a road accident. Well cripple or no cripple nothing was going to prevent me from experiencing my fantasy after all she had a car and my two legged girlfriend couldn't ride a bike let alone own one!.

I drove her home and we ended up fucking like bunnies cripple or no cripple! While she was taking a bath i decided to peep into her bag for her ID card. That was a wrong move since i found out that she was 25 years my senior, my ego was now abit troden and not as I had earlier on imagined that at most our age difference to be ten years. Either way i still felt 'Thiga has circumcised! maybe more of the beer in me that hadn't died down.

"My husband is going to join us for breakfast anytime", she said. I was about to jump out of my sock (read cd which had really scratched her vajayjay like forever without pouring) When she continued, "Don't worry about him and don't talk too loudly when he comes for he is as blind as a bat". I still felt like Wanjiruing after all.

The confidence in married men

If there're people who have convincing power over our women folk its the married men thats why there's a great rise in mpango wa kandos and generally promiscuity and infidelity. The married man knows what these women want to hear, what buttons to touch and what way to impress and this will always give them an edge. Look around and see who you lost your favourite crush to, "the married man"!

These are  the 'collectors' in campuses some of whom have very stable families and loving wives with all the qualities of a wife like wakathangos but they'll do so just for the thrill of it, ego massage ,adventure and measuring devil of the younger novices. They understand that atimes all these women want is fun which they hardly got the financial muscle to foot (yah all collectors must be financially stable), they'll enjoy your 'kwaria wana' (kiddish talk) and laugh at useless jokes so long as there's alcohol on the table and small small bites. The next thing they want a bite of your josto that you 've been laying down its cv for on the table earlier and definately after the non-ending rounds have taken toll on them.

The other day i went for a reunion with my fellow hi skul buddies that are majorly bachelors, some of them came with their tugirlfriends who by the look of things looked like those that walk with pantie on head when a better competitor presents himself. By being wakathangos i was particularly hyper on this day and i'd get a vibe out of anything mpaka my boys were astonished until one had to ask me, "man what are you using nowadays ? umefunguka sana!?" but i tell them , "i dont drink to talk , i talk to drink and eat, even somebody".

This sure for the fact that i was  a very shy little dude back then, though am still alil shy on certain environmentst (not unless am under something) but much has improved on the physical and the vibe either ni maji ilizidi unga or viceversa! i remember a teacher commenting, "you used to be a very small boy?" and i replied, "yeah back then when i used to fail in simple thing like socializing subjects(read S.E.E).

So as hyper as i am, am able to have my carefree attitude on (express what i feel) despite intimidating environments and conservative crowds. The fact that i contributed nothing to the entire trip and gifts rather it was even my boy Saiga that had suggested i accompany him in his brand new freelander that was majorly meant to impress and sure it did for the majority of colleagues seemed the struggling young career beginners and junior officers at the work place. The tycoon even had the only exclusive privilege to be asked, "What do you do?" by an equally intimidated teacher who taught us Chemistry which we now applying hard in mixing and taking our liqours and alcohols amidst other chemicals majorly meant to make life fun and shyless!

So i would pull a vibe here and there with the few (poor ratio) girls and sure one got too impressed despite being someone's somebody even offered to take off her given t-shirt labelled "homecoming" to me for i wasn't counted there for having done zero contribution. I took it whole heartedly so that i'd go and show the PM so she doesn't read any mischief as she always does.. The relation got quite cosy that if at all there would be an alcohol combination i would have landed afew brows from the insecure owner who wouldnt take it too kindly his person getting snatched.

Now onto the alcohol part, later we landed with Saiga and the visa Dj whom we had also travelled with in the nearby town to down and sample. There another dude who's a born and bred and we were with in the reunion came with a kayellow yellow to our table, as ever the 3rd PILSNER was already taking toll(these up country beers are well cooked)  probably they raised the previous day alcohol, and so i started vibing majorly throwing kidding and fake compliments here and there and telling her i want to keep someone though am married (i never hide this) infact it brings them even more closer. I guess no body wants that that hasnt been loved and they also have a stereotype that we married dont have many shagmates..

The confidence in wakathangos even made the woman want to remain on table as the dude proceeded home despite the convincing he had done , but unluckily for her /them dont realise some thing called a spar of the moment or no string attached. That reminds me of a hairdresser whom i vibe as she works on me saying," haki siwezi ishi bila yeye nitajiua!" after the 'he' had called it quits. Despite the one being talked about being married with children. They remain from mars these persons of out.

The rich too get off balance

"What is it for a man to gain the whole world but loose his soul"?  Good words from great philosophers that go "deep'. In this world that we are all dragged to live in and suffer and later die, and to proclaim that even the comfortable looking do suffer in silence, a poor man will sleep till day break in peace but the rich man hardly get sleep . Social family matters/disturbances are in the norm. One could act arrogantly for the money power and influence over others but deep within they manifesting some stress.

 The other day i was passing by a dingy hotel kinda looking that the only vehicles you'd find parked there are old 'toyotas' but in the vicinity was a nice modern car guess a 'VX' as Ken told me but my question is why would the owner go to such a place of lowlife , is it for the dominance factor that's where he commands respect most for he's the 'tycoon' or something and not go to where his class will be challenged by other massively wealthy people. I guess thats just the culture of we Africans. Just like another philosopher that heads a lowly performing team in England said "give an African a few pennies and he'll flout them all over for everybody to see". Thats even worse when they just don't do it where it deserves!!.

Yesterday as i was watching  the  Hague proceeding presentation on the news because i cant actually stand to watch live the mediocrity presented  majorly by defense counsels and generally the whole thing seems a sham as they try to rip off all evidence provided by the prosecutor as our beloved country men are humbled to levels they haven't imagined they could go to after all the respect they command here, sure that got them off balance.

I was thinking of how life can be unfair to the 'good people ' of society who suffer but at no one point have they lost their souls , they are the people lovers, kind hearted and all the virtue adjectives you could use but these are the people who will suffer most in our society and even before things look up for them, they die. I don't know to say the favorite quote "God is jealous" and he will take these glorified people amongst all the liking, before mankind start worshiping them and forget him.

I say its not fair  so far I've lost two great aunties  whom by the word of it (mostly from the old lady)  they were the nice people she knew one was her age-mate step sister whom their  life seemed to run concurrently (i bet it so happens when you are close to some one) they were of similar age set,  went to school at the same time, married same year to equally senior bachelors , bore sons (me and Nash) same year. This same Nash after many years of separation maybe due to the location factors and marriage we came to meet in the streets of campus. Obvious it was after regular  phone dialects ," ooh my son's there too they can meet, bla bla...." alot that i cant remember brought to our meeting which i treasure to date for the final 'add up of a face' which i had grown up hearing of but now as an adult i could experience her  and family goodness.

 Unfortunate as life may have it my auntie was already a convalescent and her former glory was no more (i could see by the photos) but nevertheless she was still the person i heard of from my old lady and more reloaded, always jovial, welcoming and nice. As fate would have, she  passed on after a long struggle of cancer. The other auntie is a wife to a brother of my old man who for many years she was barren, the huzzy at some point got retrenched from a high flying job, generally another good soul that did not  need suffer in this world and after all that after having had a young daughter finally a bout of malaria gave her the permanent transfer. amazing how life can be so cruel to the good hearted.

Another soul is of a philanthropist auntie, mother to Ken whom by word from the son i get to know she was an open hearted person despite high flying careers with all the providence that she could for a great life for her sons and to the extent of donating land to churches, but an accident claimed her life too sudden when Ken and the twin bro were too young. you can imagine how those left are left wondering why our auntie, why our mother .... of all?? and quite destabilized i may say..! but the will of the almighty has to be done in fact i guess they are lifted to glories lest they succumb to the evils and temptations  of this world. Death can be as sad more so for those experiencing it first hand and more so when its so sudden. but as always life has to go on for those left behind in fact the mantle is on them.

Sexual disorientation!!

Ever been so disoriented from zegz you wonder what is wrong? has someone made your nyees disappear or something?, Even the PM will wonder with you but the usual suspect reason she'll think of is that "Tobiko" is occupying your mind. They'll always suspect infidelity. Why is it that most of our women folk treasure or adore sex (read with their men) whom they have wholly devoted to give the cookie to for its secure and understood by society. Statistics have it that more men are coerced to zegz by their loved ones!.

By the way who is this 'society'? its you and i. I guess the reason they will cry and pester for the zegz even daily or hourly, is for the fact that they believe we men live by sex or something , that that is the only way to show commitment to them, though i suspect others are clever they'll do so to drain your balls and no matter how much that "Tobiko" will want your josto you cannot raise for exhaustion. Anyway this can be contested from various quarters of different experiences, for there are those that are entrepreneural, addicts and cannot go without a josto in their cookies.

Ever wondered if zegz was to last that long maybe like how dogs 'stick to each other' only this time for longer periods like all day, people would never go to work, school or anywhere nor look for food, if at all it would be the only thing in this world. I find myself asking the pm this after a certain duration of disorientation crops in , "kwani sex is the only thing?", while she's there crying, "i want to come,! just the way you make me feel!". I wonder, in her mind she never factors in that something does happen to people , 'God forbid !' paralysis, depressions, or other diseases or calamities of life. in such situations would she still stick by you ? i wonder ,and ask her too.

When a woman knows that she is your weakness and she's gotten into your head, that woman can trample you the way she wants and feels like, thats when a woman will have the guts even to introduce you to her even hotter friends for she knows you are in her box under tight key and lock!. she'll ask for anything, go wherever with whomever she'll feel like and still come back to you amidst open arms, though this is an individual thing, but look around you'll find you either a victim or immediate neighbour is,.. and wonder!!

This gospel according to philosopher Mulama, but also reminds me of similar statement told to me by a person of out in campus days over my boy aty, "Unacheki Dan hawezi enda mahali, anaweza toka tu kwa me kumwambia!" how deplorable situation can a man live by under such conditions??. Thats why the pm will always feel insecure because she's never gotten me emotionally and always feels there's a part of me she's never known and will never be ready to admit or give in, not now that she's still young and in the ages of insecurities, i even dread the day she'll discover this 'many dots will become lines'>>get the drift?!!.

Moreso now that she can be termed as the 'breadwinner' you got to be the 'man' always and play your cards wisely  hata kama ni chini ya meza,. The other day as we pinted with philosopher /hr Mulama who recently met my pm and daug after all those years we've been buddies and i was like "na venye niliwanga nimeficha white?", he was like, "hata me hukufichia!" and we concluded yenyewe in this life you are by your own, whether you feel that you got a spouse whom your life depends on or peroz, they can die who are you left with?? the world !! by yourself and thus, "saa zingine inabidi white ifichwe!"

At times the pm will always share sentiments, "i dont get you at times,?". and my reply, "you are always want things to go your way, do you at times try to get me and my likes and dislikes, so try to reach out to me too and that way you 'll get to know me and my needs not that all the time am the one succumbing to your needs!"

Anyway on other random thoughts, in any case its good to maintain the consistence and persistence inorder to succeed. Do not get into something with the negative connotation ( read pessimism) but optimism that you'll succeed , if former, then there;s no reason to 'try'!!

After what happened(fire tragedy) i pray the almghty, giver and snatcher of life not to snatch mine or my kin in such a cruel manner, what could man have done to deserve this natural calamity i may say (read painful burning alive)??/ its very sad!!

The other day i had an experience of sort of guyz who use smear campaign to get women. After having introduced a buffalo to some 'buddy' the guy in his mind was thinking he'll slice me but in vain, for to begin with, maybe the buffalo had an 'attachment' but me was 'not there' so on realising this the guy embarked on "smear campaign" just like politicians do to gain a mileage (call it kukatia na jina ya wenyewe). This is so backward i say like telling a woman, "you see that guy he screws barmaids, leave him!". they donno that in today's  women like to hear atleast you got experience (who doesn't?)mschew!!.

Screwers of relationships i call them, they donno some of us are bigger screwers, for gaining and loosing friends is all just a part of this life we live in and there's nothing much within our means that we can do, its like death when it comes calling. So whenever i loose one (mostly these are fellow men, particularly of the smear campaign kind and others who'll see me as a threat to their women) am used to that!. I had to put all these random thoughts as they flowed for memory sake and abit deviate from main theme  i hope yah'all can decipher.