Of short lived vows!

Never again shall I fall or become a victim of E-dating, for real this stuff is sick and never again shall i try it. This particular weekend i doned my best pair of jeans, shoes and a t-shirt I purchased for this particular date from the exhibition not Gikomba. I was particularly arrogant since Wanjiku (PM) had travelled upcountry and today I was in no particular mood for my 'chips funga', and since i was paid my mood was good.

My 'chips funga' saw me before i had a chance to sneak from the estate. She had to know what i was up to 'Kwani leo una date?' she asked me while demanding that I buy a flying horse. While other idlers of mtaa were like, backing her, "Aaaa weee Bin Mbayi si huyu mtu ana date si kawaida yake kuwa hivi ama?". I dismissed the allegations saying i was going to babysit for my sister who had to travel upcountry and hastilly made my exit before I became the day's talk.

In town at the stage I met my neighbour who managed to drag me to Grogon next to Nairobi river, this joint that serves the best Muratina. I was to part ways with him at two inorder to be in time but actually did part ways at five, I had started digging my grave. I dashed to the stage only to get hyper inflated fare as it was an end month weekend and people were traveling alot, since I didn't want to dissappoint my 'Mrembo' I agreed to part with this amount which was abit obscene regarding the distance.

I got to my destination at around eight and I knew I was in for it, as we were supposed to meet at around five in the evening. Again things took a sudden turn as this time around I met a former high school mate who was not going to leave me unless i decided to have one with him on his bill, before long it was nine headed to ten.

Knock knock. "Ooooh hii ndio saa unakuja ulikuja kuona hao mabeste wako ama mimi??eee fanya hivi, rudi kwa wao, look at you, stupid man!!". As the door was banged behind her. I staggered to town holding a private conversation with myself and cursing. I quickly found a watering hole and went ahead and drowned my sorrow and not long before the barmaid thought  I was a good company and came to my rescue, though I had to part with a beer.

After a while she decided to offer me help by booking for me a room using my money after a half baked emotional story of how I came to be in this situation. I cant remember how the rest of the evening went on but I woke up around 12 with  a terrible headache alone in the lodging minus my wallet and phone. I headed to 'Mrembo's place who looked at me like I had porridge instead of a brain luckilly enough she made me breakfast cum lunch but i was not going to get coitus despite how hard i tried to plead my case.

I swallowed my pride and decided this weekend was officially over. Luckily for me in the small jeans pocket i had stuffed a 200sh note which luckily didn't vanish. We parted with 'Mrembo' after a conversationless escort and did mathematics to please her or for 'the lunch' or a later 'rematch' and bought her credit, since now I had no exact fare and Mrembo didn't or couldn't want to hear my case the conductor made me stand on a slow overcrowded bus to Nairobi.

You may think my troubles were over but not yet for I have to brave this weather till morning as in my confused state I boarded a bus which took me the opposite side from my residence and that 'kashaitani' of conductor couldn't warn me! or else i didn't ask. As am writting this with the help of the street lamp warming myself next  to the good hearted watchman while sipping my liquor i cant help but wonder what tomorrow holds as Wanjiku(PM) has to sleep all alone something she constantly reminds me it was not the reason why she got married!!.

Gender boorish

Am a keen observer of our physical world and what goes on around. One thing that has baffled me is trying to understand the feminines' gender school of thought and behaviour. Am not gay and honestly I do appreciate women and their goodies. Women need to appreciate themselves  for we men to appreciate them in return. What follows is an incident that happened to me as i was waiting for a matatu to head to town.

There is this drop dead gorgeous fly mama from our mtaa, when she passes she leaves behind heads turned (all heads) and a sweet sweet aroma am sure by now you know the kind of woman am talking about.

This good blessed morning I was lucky enough to have been graced by her presence which had an intoxicating effect on me thank God  my Wanjiku (read PM) was not around to tame my straying eyes (if yours does not do this know she also got her own ventures)!.

Am sure all the men present at that time noticed her but that was not enough, she also had to intimidate the other ladies. Since I was the one standing next to her I had a generous view of her cleavage straight to her back (one nasty back) right to her edible legs. She realized I was staring and I also saw her smile and look from vagina of eye and for a moment I convinced myself that am single.

"Hi you look so familiar". She said. The smile she gave me made me mellow and weak in the knees and it wasn't long before i had pictured her naked with me on top of her (wooi! what a literal 'dress down').

''Town forty bob town forty bob". We got into the literally empty matatu and it seemed lady luck was in my hot pursuit since she came and took the seat next to mine. I was immediately served with a generous view of her full cleavage and her inside yellow yellow thigh of elephant, which I comfortably enjoyed this time in private.

Had my Wanjiku been there hell would have no fury and also that would have meant me being under probation minus half of my salary (fuck this new constitution)!. The conductor finally got to us and unblinkingly "Nyaguthii" turned and faced me directly in the face as one hand went into her bag and fished what I imagined to be a black berry. "Si unilipie fare chali kama wewe si mtu wa kukosa forty bob" (more of a demand than request)! (Really , some of you ladies , who are your mothers??) i remember when growing up this was a greater crime than eating at your neighbour's, you'd really get a spanking from the old lady aty you were borrowing i dono sweets, "kwenu eee mamayako uliskia hana pesa ya swity au ungekosa ufe eeeeeee!!!your ass would be very sore by spanks or thighs peeling off by the pinches before she was through with the 'sermon'.

She said this loud enough for the conductor to over hear and he quickly decided to side with her and gave me my change from the note I had given to him. Cut a long story short after paying the fare this lady started giving me looks to suggest i was visually raping her and that the show was over! What angered me most was that just as she was about to alight she turned and asked me. "Who is Steve Jobs". Was this chick for real, sheer daftness or measuring devil?? this made me appreciate my Wanjiku (PM) the more and tonight am going to make endless love with her. Typical Eastlanda ghetto hustler style up (i guess this an art she's perfected every morning), which reminds me no lunch for Mr Sido *sobs* *sobs*hunger pangs!!nkt

The older woman syndrome

The prospect of having dated a much older woman had always sent a thrill down my young stiff spine, i had always wondered what older women especially from the estate thought about me. I remember having fantasies about my mother's friends, but that is a story of another day.

On this particular day I got early from job and decided to hit the 'kalocal' joint, unfortunately Mututho (curse him) said i couldn't use my hard earned money without his permission at my usual spot. I decided to go to the next spot though in the neighbourhood catered for a much classic kind of people but since it was the only spot open and my pocket had substantial strength, I decided to check it out. "Tusker malt warm please". I ordered . The first gave way to the second and before long i had changed tables as the number of empty bottles increased and soon i had forgotten about my usual spot. I found myself sitting next to two gracefully ageing ladies who had been eyeing me suggestively.

My pocket had gradually weakened but this was no problem as I was in some good, loving, capable hands and drinks were not an issue (yah! they were buying what do you think???eish!). At around seven Jane excused herself and left me with Charity , she had taken one too many and after saying she was leaving her in 'good hands' waved a cheeeky goodbye (wished she could have been the greater 'scorer'. )

"You have a lovely nose, it has a lovely bridge", said Charity. That must have been her pick up line because nobody I mean the opposite sex has ever complimented me about my nose and I had always taken it for granted. This made me get more drunk because my fantasy was going to become a reality leave for gathering strength to 'drive' the great 'trela' and no man (i say no man) in that bar was going to grab my treasure under my nose without a fight. At around eleven we decided to head to her home and 'fuck like bunnies' as she put it!

As we were heading to her car I hadn't noticed earlier that she was using a clutch as she was not using it to go to the toilet. I asked about it and she told me she got it after having survived a road accident. Well cripple or no cripple nothing was going to prevent me from experiencing my fantasy after all she had a car and my two legged girlfriend couldn't ride a bike let alone own one!.

I drove her home and we ended up fucking like bunnies cripple or no cripple! While she was taking a bath i decided to peep into her bag for her ID card. That was a wrong move since i found out that she was 25 years my senior, my ego was now abit troden and not as I had earlier on imagined that at most our age difference to be ten years. Either way i still felt 'Thiga has circumcised! maybe more of the beer in me that hadn't died down.

"My husband is going to join us for breakfast anytime", she said. I was about to jump out of my sock (read cd which had really scratched her vajayjay like forever without pouring) When she continued, "Don't worry about him and don't talk too loudly when he comes for he is as blind as a bat". I still felt like Wanjiruing after all.