The stay at home husband

This particular group of individuals are hardly respected in our society, i could play an advocacy role casing point being lessons i've learnt this week from the pm that there's a great difference between, the two of us staying home jobless, me going to work, her at home and her going to work while i stay home. The scenario is like that of "when you have money you wonder why others do not and why they are borrowing" .That's the kind of scenario am experiencing from the career pm for finally she is ' employed'. By quotes being an auntie of hers who previously they had disagreed on payment terms during internship periods of campus, during the week she received a call telling her to report tomorrow of that day, i guess this might have been orders or requests of forces that would want to see us fully independent minus the occasional'borrowing'.

 This whole week i've been the stay at home husband taking care of the 'sumbua' baby and it has felt like a month, you know when the pm is here this baby is used to a schedule of going to the market and pluck bananas on her way that she ends up being given, but now i dont know the way around market maybe i'll have to, coming week. Thanks to Nash who lives nearby we have a place to go to when the stubbornness is too overwhelming that she has to be out. It has become a routine now by 10 she's all too stubborn thats how i end up writting one post ,At the moment inorder to write this i just let her play with the boyfriend outside whom i hear crying for being smacked by the 2 years junior girlfriend but they still have a chemistry already as i look. Thanks to the family employer now i got to persevere or else i get a job person to deliver me , for i got to be the cook, diaper changer, for the potty training has been an exercise in futility so far, the occasional 'wacha, wacha!!'. Surely mothers try and a more bigup to all the single mothers that have raised their kids without any support, those are my heroes so far.

It is on these occasions that am in the house with Nash and tobiko (of the pregnant business mind_), on rare occasion it was on the new friday(thur) that a kampango of nyama and wine is on the table, the pm checks in just  as the nyama is over and evidence cleared and Nash's by the door leaving, while tobiko and i are enjoying the wine. She enters furiously and rudely opens the windows, "hii nyumba inanuka mavi!!"she mutters disrespectfully. I feel offended for the kawine is already taking effect not that am not used to such occasional utterances, plus why say that infront of my guest, whereas on her occasions i just give myself shugli and leave the sitting room? Guess women do not need, neither require a good man, whenever they get one they do all they can to turn him bad. Maybe they have left the phrase "all men are dogs" sink into them too much that whenever a good man presents they believe always its a deal too good to be true, and will always yap yap to put the man down or prove his goodness lest do they know they testing a man's patience that does not last long and soon they are left after one withdraws slowly leaving her wondering what went wrong, the man never to look back again at the 'trouble'.

I guess what the pm suffers most is insecurities which majorly were sourced from a place called 'psyz' some years ago- (that story is better left untold for now). Was it because there's a person of out in the house she dislikes or insecure that the bond has been taken too far? i ask myself. I show my concern and am told its because she has drank alot of teargas in town. What a lame excuse, either way we continue with the wine small small talk some in disguise as the pm roams into each room exclaiming things here and there more to herself than we. Tobiko can no longer take the heat and leaves too leaving me with this rare wine thing in plenty to cool it. I give the pm a bad look and declare cold war "hiyo wine ikimwagika pia we umwagike!"as i see tobiko off to the gate. As soon as am back i continue small time seizing opportunities to express my displeasure , eachone is met by a heated argument untill i throw hands and put new sim card in fone which was earlier replaced by the pm after the baby had eaten the previous second replacement card. I try to remember people's numbers who are hardly in the house but drinking beer at that hour. I try mulama's, my campus buddy formerly a hideskin scratcher turned a bank sales person now and atleast earning something that is keeping him away from the all too rowdy beer borrowing school going kids he was hanging out with.

Sure class can change within a very short time, despite Mulama having been employed just last month, i used to call him for a shared drink as we discuss how the hr we learnt in campus together has not yet helped us but making us more poorer and less and less of ideas to make money, he could show up with funny looking dudes of the dingy hood he lives in, quite distasteful it was but now it has changed drastically. "Uko wapi", i ask after the guess of number turns right "(deleted)" he replies , "wacha nakam basi", i reply as i gulp the remaining wine and furiously or rather pretensiously, burst out with track suit, i didnt even bother to change, i meet him at his usual local and the drinking continued. I dont know about you but whenever i taste small alcohol i always want to drink more in this case it was a 12.5% wine and the excuse of a burning home making it unhabitable.

 We beat water and he tells me there's a pilsner mfalme thing going on in the neighbourhood of our former campus where we used to destroy together when sophomores. We head and true to it the joint is parked with campo kids and parking full, probably of the familiar 'budas' who have come to rokota as they always do, or many a parents that night might loose their cars on accidents. The fun is maxi leave for the girls shaking their deriele on my crotch small small, and you know with a tracksuit my whooper might easily sense the sorrounding meat and respond accordingly poking someone's behind violently! It can be embarrassing at times and so i fight all ideas of climbing somebody and choose to enjoy the beers coming in plenty from the former hideskin scratcher(Mulama) all in all if i would climb someone maybe in car which we didnt have, she'd ask for beers which i would not buy,she either lived in hostel which gate is written girl's only, i only had 200 that could not buy room around nor taxi. i consoled myself with all these facts and promise to improve on performance once am employed by UN or something and such opportunities shall be grabbed with both hands.

This club we go to , i used to live just behind it and most watchmen and manager must know me for how i used to show them fire whenever they denied entry of my 'visitors' in the wee hours. imagine you are with somebody and the watchman tell you 'hakuna kuingia na mgeni"? I get tempted to wazee hukumbuka, i go over to the gate leading to the hostel and enjoy the watchman i leave in room no.(deleted) and he opens i head to my previous room maybe now its inhabited by a good looking person of out whom i'll confuse am stranded just as we used to do whenever very high and was not lucky to beba in clubs, there would always be an accommodating neighbour and the night would be spent there. I was not lucky with the many knocks i made on doors of all blocks maybe because it was too late when dreamers visit their dreamland or there are many 'totos" of my nature and the occupants are already familiar of drunks who go knocking doors. I loved the thrill of it mostly coz i was now so out of that life which seemed hard to be left due to the many hardships of books and exams associated with campus, everything else except exams and cats was just okey!.

I head back to club more for the fear maybe the guyz there nowadays are bad people and if they might open those doors simultaneously and mistake me for a thief that can be an unwarranted mobjustice, i saved my face and the shame that would be associated with that. More drinks and everything flows in these campus clubs , someone nearby is with a 'mzinga' of viceroy, kenya cane,and what have you, you end up partaking some and you'll be KO in minutes, for maybe some have been injected other hard drugs. I indulge fully but cautiously maybe for the fact that Mulama is still supplying my PILSNER other than for the occasional vice shots am getting from the dude next to me. Soon its early morning hours and can bearly walk, thanks to Mulama who hires a cab, but someone pinches my cheap phone and some loose change as i come to discover as i stagger home and with the alert of pm who was worried or rather concerned of her actions earlier that either led me to hang myself or what do they think later?. Their senses always come back later and began regretting their actions, she had actually been calling nash at wee hours to know where i had gone to, to no avail as i learnt later. It was a relieve to her for my reappearance rather than the occasional scorning and a shock to me that my phone was missing. Luckily mulama had taken its safe custody but for the change i dont know maybe i partly paid the cab.

The tensious weekend

Am actually late writting this for i'd have written it yesterday but (i hear but is used to mean the other part of the sentence is a lie) 'but' no its not a lie because it was actually an eventful weekend stretched upto Monday hindering my writting. That said actually it was a weekend when visitors tend to pop in our house especially during mealtime and overstretch the period until pm has no choice but bring the food to the tableroom, you know how it is in these economic times, and keep in mind the two graduates can barely feed themselves for the whole month.

On saturday i can bear the accusations that i was responsible for spoiling the pm's budget for i brought along 2extra mouths to the table, but it was purposely for business ,you know the small small businesses we do at home so it was time to bring in a person to identify the works of our hands among other brokerly works that i do of building material just 'leisurely' in the house. True to the fact that business should actually be for a single minded person that he/she is going into it not out of desperation, or as a fall back plan but with the desire and passion to do it and with the necessary capital to boot, When you are a graduate like we who's major idea is to be employed by the UN and pocket a large amount without 'starting from scratch' as many say you should, then business which involves that, can be very demotivating for the 8-4-4 graduates who have not necessarily had the practical steps to do things but theoretically.

So that said in explanation to the leisurely businesses, i had mats that now need to be exposed and patented (i hear there's such a thing done when one has a new invention, and it is quite overpriced to begin with i.e for one to patent i have heard on media you could part with 100,000/= i dont understand??). After the review of the commodities i go on to show my two guests one my cousin Nash whom we are really trying many with for we have been in campus together and now 'tarmaking' (i guess thats how its spelt and called by many a graduates).The other is Tobiko a newly introduced partner person of out on the heavily pregnant about to be born project of chicken. That said i show them how its done,an idea i got when i was my own salesman of accounts of a bank from a watchwoman (God bless her for now the pm occassionally has something to do in the house of making mats of which i showed her), and it toook quite a while .

I cannot be mean with the idea also because i was also introduced to but now aggressively want to make it my own through marketing but when demand becomes overwhelming i might just include everyone including my 'teacher'. i say 'demand' because on afew occasions now the product has placed a meal on our table,i.e when things are tough enough the pm will pull out one of the mats hanged on the walls and sell it locally to people including our landlady who actually like the design..

On the same day one of my sisters foi has paid us a courtesy call for the weekend to see her niece whom she brought up during her inception days and we were still in campus, so to avoid lating the lunch for the main guest she brings along the food and now with seven plates for we are randomly joined by another newly accuired friend of pms' (call her mboch) who later shows us wonders on the 'tomorrow of that day'. This said friend of hers is actually a lately sacked househelp of Nash's whom they met on such days we go for lunch at theirs when it has really bitten for he and family lives in the neighbourhood. The guests put themselves especially mboch whom pm serves and overfloats her plate but clears it and asks, "iko kitu mtu anaweza kunywa kama chai?" mind you all others do not ask , hata si maji!!..

This go on and later we leave with my guests for a further conclusion of our pregnant business at Nash's. On the tomorrow of that day that is on sunday as i sit relaxing leisurely making mats in the sitting room, a rare knock is at the door and Foi opens, in comes the pm's campus friends (persons of out ofcourse) and say they were in the neighbourhood and decide to check up on her, (mind you its lunch hour again).they make themselves comfortable as they play small small with the baby, i sit there shylly looking with 'vagina of eye' how they 'look', and sweat starts pilling on my face and am unable to continue with the knitting, i pretend i was showing Foi and later leave it to her and seek exile in the bedroom. This reaction triggered by alot of bodily and mental issues. One its taboo to socialise with pm's friends because it's always common that women hardly want for each other and in most instances will only want to spoil for each other, they will even remove 'thuruari' for a spouse of their friends' or set you up and later inform the pm and soon your 'happy marriage' is over. Two they are also rumour collectors and will pay such visits to rumourmonger to the rest. There's one such childhood friend of the pm i hear she's coming, i give myself 'shugli' outside the house before she gets there. During our 'rite of passage time' call it graduation she actually came to our house and i walked into her naked on our extra bedroom which we keep clothes and had forgotten there's someone so didnt knock , she seemed not startled at all and maybe if  i could have borrowed, there there, but i apologized and left, for 'better shy than sorry'. She played it cool all through as if nothing had happened and i knew this one is temptation from devil thats why i seek exile outside.

On this occassion i sook it in the bedroom and even had my lunch there for i dont want them to study me much for i might just get tempted to talk or comment, eat talking and that may give birth to a rumour or risk a bad look from pm, also they might study my appearance too much (ofcourse they know me) but recently my beard is unkept. They might actually see me out there with another person of out and call the pm immediately to come and witness even if its a cousin or casual friend, my friend Theuri can actually attest to this. Its very common in many a couple, many break ups are caused by a thirdparty!.

I give myself 'shugli' in bedroom including browsing and trying to write the story in computer but i chew blanks as i hear all women laugh in sitting room. I wait they go but where, i put a movie which is funny too and try to laugh loudly to show them am also quite busy and onto something, but i later learnt they thought i went away through backdoor which is equally better than accusation i was hidding shyly in bedroom. Finally am out and they are gone after empting the pm's dishes forcing her to cook again for supper which she rarely does for the food would last us 3 for lunch and supper. She and foi are cooking again as i appear and cheekily ask "wageni wameenda?" ofcourse i had heard the laughter die down and i knew it was safe to reappear.

 In the evening we have our supper and just when finished mboch knocks at around 8:30 and calls the pm outside, She had actually been rubbed work previously and instead of going home was roaming in the neighbourhood probably stalking a boyfriend whom she thought would spend the night with her but unfortunately was not "kuringwo itheru"(jokingly told to spend the night). She tell the pm she 'll be grateful to spend even on chair I guess the motivation to come at such hours was how she was welcomed the yesterday of that day being the first time, with plentiful food and drink and thought we were red cross. Tension filled the house for where will this 'visitor' now sleep for the extra bedroom is occupied by foi, leave for the shameless intrusion at night without earlier warning.

The pm pulls me aside after having told her to come in and tells me to chase her (you know the dirty job), for am the owner of house, and i wonder how do i chase her and she's her 'freind' and had welcomed her even on such circumstance?. Television becomes hard to watch and the talking is limited and if any, ignoring the night visitor. I go to bed early( a thing i hardly do offlate) and tell pm to make sure she's locked the door with padlock and come with keys (you never know of such person might have come to kwachua with things and leave with them for village which she came from) The pm tells, she was asking for tea which she was denied and thanks to the fact we dine early for maybe she had timed supper too.

The pm sleeps with tension and tomorrow i.e monday wakes early to vanish the visitor as had agreed, but of course guerilla tactics, with her regular early cleaning , she does banging the doors so that 'mboch' hears and wakes from her sleep on the couch. She takes all her time and ignores or foolishly does not get the hints thrown to her by pm and foi for her to leave and drags on untill late morning when i finally see her leave through the bedroom window where am hiding and not ready to experience tension in the morning. I say fyuks and emerge for the tale telling compilation as given from eyewitness and that am able to write now.

Guests are no longer welcome in many a households today, for i later take blame from pm on the weekend's happening that i brought friends whom were of no use to her and ate onto her domestic budget forgetting that the majority were hers, its funny how pms know to pass the back. I know all this too well that it's because of tobiko whom she did not actually like ,for we were talking things previously not pleasing her ears like taking our trade to Afghanistan and leaving her here. I guess her imagination , "me going in a far off country with another woman ati for money??!!". Women will always feel threatened and complain about another woman" if it was only me and Nash no problem!!

My vet

I guess its not too late to begin a career and by late i mean alot of several guyz i went to high school together with are all in a career somewhere whether in business like Saiga, the tycoon , Jose the watchman, Charles the electrician, Amos the nurse and others if i name them will be a breach of contract. That said , at the age we are, society now expects us to atleast have something you own or doing big, 'something' even if it is beat up car like Wanjohi wa Kigogoine's. Failure to even with heavy gowns of degree, you are still a burden to the same society that educated you to be independent and help it.

I have so far looked in my basket of opportunies, (they are many ofcourse) only to find a realistic one that can be started majorly by the quantity of theories and some out of stumble upons(not necessarily taught in school but learnt in the 'trying many' as earlier reiterated in my earlier post.

I have applied my graphics certificate lessons acquired, to do a 'graphic' representation in an insurance agency an aunty created, i oversaw the production of a logo in the presence of a cousin(son to the aunty) in my aggressive periods when theories and practical were fresh in mind- you know you always try your new inventions on family and close friends. Went later on to produce business cards, complimentary slips to which a balance of 2500/= has not been recovered to date, since the aunty has soon went under after delivery of the same,( and if you feel these aunties in annual gettogether  pretending holier than thou and praying prayers condemning and rebuking devils) that last for a record one hour ( record holder being the aunty). Not forgetting them being on your ass to know what you doing with yourself whereas they are the first to want to extract your human labour to their course be it either being a lawyer for the land cases, doing them graphics and they dont want to pay or pay meagrely., Whenever i'll hear any one of them ask the rhetoric, "so what are you doing?" ,"getting conned and cheated by your sister!" i'll reply.

 These extended squabble full families that will hardly want to see another prosper but compete against each other and if possible bring you down, by the way i realise a stranger is more helpfull than family moreso in business. Advice you'll get when you need help from most of them.

You'll hardly walk kilometer and find a closely knit family without blows and squabbles be it of land. In the society we are today, every one has become too  materialistic to the expense of family/human values example stealing of FPE( a program for the really needy persons in pursuit of education which was previously the key). No wonder i asked Ken, a recently introduced member of the extended family, "unataka kuniambia, mwenye hii flat amejenga hii kwa salary yake ama ni wizi(corruption)?". That majorly potrays the thoughts of them many not to do well people(mwananchi wa kawaida). for we have got accustomed to getting cheated out of almost everything.

In the wake of things am also doing mats in the house with the pm (ofcourse with alot of problems,many of those in biz with their pm might know this) maybe a photo of mats which i'll upload later for the audience to sample. All this done to the sole purpose of creating a new empire of wealth in order to enjoy the finer things in life with my family. I would also love to create an own empire of hardware having been previously mentored by Saiga on the night of  'people of trapping dens,' in the episode/post 'The life of business' Thats the only time during our sprees that he has really enlightened me all other have been drimk and get wasted, may be its because i opened up earlier and told him the amount in my pocket and maybe he always thought i must also be a loaded miser Nairobi barbie (probably born out of a rich civil servant back then- i've always been mistaken) You know the attitude that engulf one just like wanjohi said once "when you have money you refuse to know why others do not have and when without vice versa". So he told me he has also seen others come from scratch and they succeed in the hardware business and now do not carry five hundred bob in their pockets but times alot more and they dirtify table untill u wonder they have also become the drugdealer in town, and they also eat your persons of out if its 'cierunde' and are materialist and easily lied to.

Another is the idea of a press printing(you know in Kenya you either have a business or an idea lack of either is considered doom) this a thought not out of the peer pressure like saiga's but of a need to take forth my design and print jobs. A writter suggestion too of these issues i find myself vetting about or writting is welcome if it 'll turn to monetary gains.  In the meantime am a continue to weigh my laid down options and many more not said plus their backup plan -employment, as i figure out which best suits me.I  habour no hard feelings for the not yet break trough for patience may just pay off, all in the pursuit of the good life as i get nearer to my target of 5years time,owning 'something'. Something not anything but a land and a kahouse maybe??>>

The domestic budget

I have been from time to time acused by the pm of not contributing fully to the domestic budget, reason being i dont go to the local market to source for food stuffs and therefore i dont know the costs as they change from day to day. I've always thought that two hundred shilling a day is more than enough for a family of 3, but the shocker is that whenever i produce 500 it hardly survive the weekend  anyway that said it only indicates one thing, income has to be raised soonest failure i shall be doomed.

The first half of the month is not so difficult since the ration provided can last upto that time but by date 25 we actually begging from the donors for supply(dont mistake donors to mean anyone but peroz on both sides who have constantly assisted their offspring and now the offsprings' offspring-God bless them) Ofcourse this does not come easy or without a rider oftenly "no mucaragia wera?"(do you still look for work?) and actually they have tried to hook us up with all the 'god fathers' they knew in Nairobi, most in the public service and private sector but nothing to show for it. All these god fathers do is promise things beyond their reach, and some with the rhetoric 'when i hear of something i'll let you know' i have really come to hate this statement for nothing is actually heard. You keep calling the person for we are constatly reminded to keep reminding the person for he/she has other businesss to take care of and might not have you in mind, and also risk calls diverted to voicemail, mteja for no pick-up at all, but i say here if someone has the will to get you a job with no strings attached then he should and if not capable should say so and not think by not saying so will make one hopeless or give false promises to make sure his ass is kissed all the time.

Though all this can be termed as corruption which we are 'really trying', in quotes meaning the culture is hard to die, but i'd rather those that ask for money or majorly zegz in exchange for a job than those who take you around in circles and you keep guessing, for i'd rather pay up my dues before hand than later have someone always on my back say i got you that job and now you should pay me up. in the first place you were qualified to take up jobs in this country but the opportunities are limited to a chosen few thats why the 'culture' can hardly die down. That said, though in the meantime i'll continue pushing my luck even in the public service( i hear this like looking to find cats zegzing) but no loosing hope for the economy does not dictate so. This reminds me of a day the pm went to see a 'high profile' ps as mentioned by her peroz, first the meeting took too long being sent from one building to another and then in the final building the person she was to meet stood in a glass window at a top floor waving as she called, but on entrance you are asked for appointments and stuff and you try to convinse the P.As that he called from ground floor but hear none of it , It only takes the merciful intervention of the said person to make a call if he's willing enough. Ofcourse i know all this for before she was composed enough to tell the ordeal i hard to partake the stress ' u know 'stress partaker'.

I have perceived the women folk to have it a little easier on this than the menfolk leave for also having assets valuable to the men whom in most instances have been priveleged to hold the high level positions of affluence in society, but lately getting challenged by the women and guyz like i might soon also be lucky or others i hear already getting lucky by flouting their assets too to the older high achiever women in society but all with caution or 'die trying'.

After the completion of the 'rite of passage' quotes being what society considered as the gateway to a better life earlier has been reduced to a passage meaning university degree is no longer an end in itself. So after completion my ration got reduced by half whereas the pm's remained the same (they say their needs are high, true ),and come to think of it even if you earn higher than your pm with lets say 20k she still earns more than you for part of your earnings is hers for she will always borrow money not necessarily for the domestic budget but also to safeguard hers(even when she's working and earns more).So i can be excused for little contribution to the domestic budget(in the meantime what would i do without her), but save for the little here and there i make from struggling businesses that do not really have an income to show or rather get rich but just 'hand to mouth basis' i know even most employed live on this, at the end of the day is what you are able to put on the table that matters. But for sure it has become even harder when the local sukumawiki vendor no longer breaks it down to 10 bob per juala but now 20 shillings.

The business i'll never do

I have really tried many, being a 'jobless' graduate, jobless in quotes meaning lack of a whitecolor job as expected by the old folks being peroz and generally the older members of society whom you cannot convince you have a source of livelihood if you dont either work in a bank or in a government office swinging chairs all day pretending to be busy and the all too familiar rudeness to Kenyans asking for services in such offices. The other day i was in a CID headquarter office that looks like a museum for i guess all the renovation money set aside ends up in few peoples' homes, and the public servants there were quite rough in taking my finger prints while applying for a certificate of good conduct. After reading the papers the other day on advertisements made on public service jobs ( which i have a feeling is done as  a formality but the jobs have owners not unless you are very lucky) and their salaries, i somehow excuse them for their frustration if that's the kind of salary they get. Now that said, you know after the folks have educated you they wash their hands for their work is done and for many of them a university degree is as good as mission accomplished. The monthly allowances slowly dwindles and the conning games can hardly go unnoticed and thats when you find yourself cannot even afford keg drinks. Thats the desperate situation that calls for desperate measures to atleast afford some drinks in the all too common boredom moments.

I have actually sold cds, graphics, mitumba clothes, gnld products, oriflame, bank accounts, small loans, scrap metal and many more. Of all the many i have done so far i pinch myself never to get involved in these foreign companies which have set base in Kenya and 'use' a few people to enrich themselves but all they do is con majority off their hard earned cash, one of those companies being gnld that sell 'health' tablets quotes being there's nothing healthy in them that beats the traditional, original arrowroots and sweetpotatoes that we despised when abit younger. These companies come to colonise kenyans minds in the promise of wealth which is a common mindset in almost all Kenyans me inclusive, but the fact that we dont know is  that that the gdp actually goes to the foreign countries where such products come from, and  so i vow never to buy anything of the sort thats not Kenyan.

The commodities are quite overpriced and a rip off leave alone for the registration fees that are required to be a member, totally incredible. So majority of the kenyans have become enlightened and you can hardly get a customer for the commodities. after campus i was invited for a session of those gnld meetings by Jose a  high school friend to which the speakers really woo you with instant wealth, i almost called my folks to lie i had been caught by kanju so they give me the 4k i register and then wait for its instant multiplication. My instincts tell me to wait for another session of lies proclaimed by the speakers and they invite us 'newcomers' to attend a city hall award of 'graduants' ( a pyramid way of rewarding the heavy 'investors' in the company). The way these masters of impunity express to you how within a short period you will be driving a good car is just incredible, where on earth do you find things served to you on a silver platter? what they dont tell you is that to earn a single thousand you must have enriched the same company with tens of thousands of those, so if at all you dont get other customers to con and use your money to purchase inorder to gain points.. I prefer that money i would store it in a pillow and feel it every time am sleeping failure to i'll only question the pm who shares the pillow with me and the only culprit. In gnld or banks you have no redress or particular person to get hold of.
So i pulled along the pm on saturday to city hall to hear how in a very short while we shall be millionaires and abuse the shopkeeper at our gate whom she bargain even a matchbox from. I cannot ever remember sitting for a record breaking ten hours nonstop on the not so comfy city hall chairs that are used to beat the hell out of councillors without aven going to spit them(loo). I would ignore the pm whenever she tells me she's hungry and we ended up sitting there all day listening to gimmicks. After that i borrow somebody in the name i've been caught by kanju to pay but fortunately it was not enough so i ended up postponing to pay the registration another day. As days go by i become even more enthusiastic and woo many more to the promised wealth including pm who also lacked the reg. fee.

One day i go to campus for clearance in campus and i talk many many on the queue to registrar of how i've discovered a money mint and need not apply for a job (atleast thats what some of the speaker advised). After the guy i was telling stories gets in, i ask the chick behind me who had been listening in whether she is not yet enlightened, she tells me she's a member and her sister too is a 'director'( a pyramid kind of scheem title they give themselves). Later she hooks me up with the sister who promise to pay my registration fee as long as i dont 'disappoint'. She also give me a packet of tablets to sell. It was after this that i discovered how hard it was to sell the commodities and we ended up eating the whole packet with the pm and i forgot it was a business. I discovered  that maybe the weight loss thing is true because after taking the tre-en-en 6 pack i weighed ten less but you really have to invest in the same, no single packet can give you results and this doubles up on the money you are to use and earn points that cannot make you 'rich'.

On the other hand i discovered many sell by approaching the old or desperately sick or those with convalescents at home and sell to them in the name of a miraculous cure to which its a lie for they are only mediocre supplements which is also not very ethical, as i put my business ethics lessons to practice i vow not to con or proclaim lies to desperate customers, to date i still tell the lady owner of tablets i am still in Haiti(you know where there's a stripper president?).

 Days later a cousin comes to our place to introduce the oriflame concept, i gerit this the same thing and i tell the pm to try it too so that when she fails we shall be even and the ridicule for failure in gnld minimize. The difference is registration is much cheaper and the pm produces the cash almost immediately, the problem came to selling the overpriced perfume to whom you hardly get a person to sell to in our middle income hood. You end up applying the perfumes and others on yourself leave alone for the disappointments you get from even your closest kin who dont even pick-up your calls for the conversation is always the old rhetoric So i survive the ridicule for both business have stalled.

Thanks to connect

Now if your pm if you lucky enough to have one has not been watching connect then sure there's likely to be a disconnect. You very much likely to get sucked up to watching the program maybe on conditions that, you do not possess an extra television in the bedroom, you are not the chauvinist type and have actually let it go in the proverbial "nyumba ni za wanawake" and subsequentially lost the remote control, you are not very capable of affording pay tv in that your house can turn to be a sports house,you are not the conservative type to wonder how such a program can be aired featuring the most mystifed happenings of the bedroom in our society, your performance is not at par so the pm has actually dragged you to watch and learn or are not naive.

So for those of you who are not sucked up due to above mentioned or else do not have someone to practise what is learnt on them and by someone i mean a regular partner not the all too familiar 'chips funga' or someone's somebody, connect is a program aired on saturday nights and repeated on fridays at 10 pm when most school going kids are either asleep or in the clubs getting wasted and closed.

Now there's this woman Getty who tries to demistify the happenings of the bedroom(closed doors) by practical steps and she sure knows her thing, but one thing i'd like to get an information on from them is, why is it that when we talk of sizes they use inches? I cannot remember in all my school life using inches as  a parameter of measurements and therefore i'd prefer cm inorder to relate *relatively*. That said i have really concured to most of the talks that is after i was really sucked up to watching it after coming home high on some things admonished in my village and the reasoning was quite high, the most evocative being about body sizes, relevantly being "whenever a man grows a pot belly or has one the 'josto' subsequently shrinks inside" for a woman "if fat, the vachina narrows(truest) " so you can imagine all those fat couples you see and imagine how they actually 'make it'. Now my fears of growing fat are equally manifested and in the meantime am gonna manage what i got.

As a result of the  saturday education, i have noticed some behavioural changes in the pm, although she religiously adones the all too familiar "mutoki", lesos written "makosa ya marehemu hakutumia juala" and i guess she must think that phrase actually refers to mama wa soko akifunga sukuma na juala, overdressing in bed and has adamantly refused to let the kid sleep in her own bed and always lies facing her on the other end of the bed and suckling all night despite her being almost two years, so am left on the other adge snuggling up to her buttocks..

As has  become the norm i always go to bed very late after watching the K24 12 oclock mchipuko for in most days i spend the afternoon sleeping and so sleep is hard to come by or also the trauma associated with sleeping on the edge of the bed risking getting pushed over to the floor with the buttocks as an effect. Such said there is  also the current practice maybe of the positive in relation to lessons learnt is that the initiation to the 'mombasas raha' as the women on the tv show disguisely call it refering to the zegz has been a flask of hot water and a basin at the corner of the bedrroom. This lesson i can associate to an episode where Getty was talking about cleaning up the 'kahead' after the zegz. So occasionally when i stagger to the bedroom with sleep and notice the flask and basin i know there's an anticipated activity supposed to happen failure to, i'l have to survive the following day of moodiness, doors getting banged and sheer rudeness since we both stay at home jobless graduates.

The pm's sleep as always has been 'usingizi wa kimang'amung'amu( dont know the english word for that) and she'll get wide of my entrance or knocking whenever i come home in the wee hours and turn consequently on such days of flask and basin at the corner. This practise of flask and basin only takes place two days after a refresher course of next episode of the connect program and so by monday it's forgotten and later picked up the following friday, last upto saturday and the pattern has continued while on other days its the usual kienyeji way.

I must say when it was first experimented on me it was after the thursday episode and was  doing the sleep catch up untill two oclock in the afternoon when i started remembering what was happening around me the  previous night and started getting arousals, and for those who dont know when you live with someone of out you tend to think the same, exchange spirits(all the time), finish each other's statements, read minds and all. I actually seem to concur with a 'pastor' who at one point said "whenever you zegz with a woman you exchange spirits and those spirits will constantly haunt you" maybe this is a policy i apply whenever am tempted to have a side dish(show me a man that does not have this, i'll show you a chicken that urinates, the restraint is money in most instances). For i dont want spirits of many persons of out haunting me whereas those of one person have been immensely overwhelming. I gues i'll stick with this one whose spirits am too familiar with.

So she comes to the extra bedroom, after the baby is asleep in the other, to where am lying like kiimba(dead person) with the josto stedy, by the way i hear when men are dying the josto is always standing or if the man was a thief and he's burnt down, the josto never burns,(someone experienced please confirm?) someone said that's the source of life and the almighty has to keep it alive. After a little admonishing for just sleeping and not going out to look for money but just fogothary drinking, i touch touch the 'right' places and everything is calm, then follow the mellow 'exchange of more spirits', i hope the ones i carried previously from the joints are not transmitted! after then she dashes to the bathroom and comes with the hot towel and does her thing to the 'kahead' i excuse her maybe its daytime and the towel and hot water is within reach .

I must say its quite a nice experience and for those who havent yet domesticated someone atleast there's a positive connotation to that and also you might find yourself less promiscous in these sprouting joints in town of promisquity or low down on the side kick for there's always a better deal at home! For those fortunate to have a pm in their kitchen cabinet and is not doing accordingly please be at home either friday or saturday and drag her to the front seat of your sitting room to get first hand information and i bet you'll also note some change.

The life of business

Being a university graduate so recently and having got knocked up in my late stages of campus life, it has been quite a challenge awaiting  a job to come by (comeby being sitting in the house and applying jobs online) and doing others basically in the house that have got no income to match, blame it on the 8-4-4, peroz and teachers who taught us read hard and after the market of jobs will be hunting for you but wapi without teaching us the practical steps to create our own. At the same time taking care of 'my shit' because at some point in life when somebody is over with her adolecence and puberty she'l get to thank me for having taken care of 'my shit' unlike other buddies who 'hit and run' before 'stomach' was put on them.

Anyway if it werent for a person whom i had been with for two and a half years of campus and monitoring her movements and behaviour regularly leave alone the dramas ofcourse, maybe i would also be counted in the bracket of 'all men are dogs, you know how they play victim in all situations even when they do things per their own pleasure, there's still a man who takes the blame.

Having said that, it was one of those jobless Thursdays(you know the new friday?) when i receive an sms from saiga, a high school buddy whom we have been in touch since he once met me at a cuzos after party with very cute cuzos and i think he liked me because he knew  i'll hook him up some day, anyway this guy is a mtu wa biashara, having not even gone ahead with schooling but went into family business of a hardware empire in the eastlands area and doing big. As it has it this guy is usually very loaded whenever he calls me for he has known am quite a guzzler and he spends as if he's with a person of out. per night i can estimate atleast 10k, not forgeting he's a real lover of persons of out mostly those that are accompanied by colleagues and in such instances when you have a person of out with you he will dirtify table times two to impress the person, he even tried moves on my pm (these people hardly get it) until i pinched her and told her thats what he does. Ofcourse he had snatched some other person of out whom i had been with but in the first outing we had, together with saiga, i noticed she was already impressed and was now using me to get the 'tycoon' and so  i played low ,anyway she was among those of bar, later they did hook up and i lacked saiga for quite a while and when we finally met he told me of how the person had theft him leave alone breaking his heart for he had already attached feelings, to date he still talks about her.

So as brief as the text was "nakam, unabuy?" i knew payback will come sometime for what man really treats a fellow dude like that all days without him returning hand and he's not gay? Either he uses you to gain women or just want you wasted and he dumps you. Ofcourse in many instances he has called me to places mostly in eastlando and when wasted he vanishes and switch off phone leaving me to look for my way towards the other side of uhuru highway. I have learnt from that and i make sure am MSD( minimum staggering distance) or the other side of uhuru highway where am more versant and he wont pull a stunt on me easily. So without showing dissapointment i reply "kamu swes kosa 1, 2 ya karibisha, ingine utaongeza" and i get a "sawa". I start scratching my head wondering where money to return hand will come from and i only had five soc from proceeds of Cds and i think fast. When saiga arrives shortly i pretend am in the atm and take quite sometime, when we meet i tell him, "haki card yangu imeexpire saa itakuwaje na nina soo tano tu?", i guess he saw it coming and ignores, "Nataka unipeleke ile base ulinishow ina people of trap", "sawa" i reply. We pass through ngongi rodi and pass by elsi to eat nyama and two for the road, ofcourse he pays without asking "ulisema unabuy?" i eat nyama kabisa giving stories of giant and later we go to china centre, where i hear there's "makobosto" that vibrate. We hit upstairs ofcourse only tipsy and at entrance we charged 500  and 1000 for vip, for am the one leading the way i look at him and ask "tulipe" and he says "sawa" and produces the cash( i guess the chick at etrance thought he's the bodyguard and am the source for she kept asking "nibuyie" everytime i went to the loo).

We head and i become sober seeing what invites you inside. we head straight vip for more, the place is alittle empty maybe being a thursday but i get it people are in vip, you know those that are in clubs on such days are not the regular friday , sato revellers who are most likely newlly employed or school guyz and its the first days of the month. On this day is big people of biashara or wakubwa in big companies detroying money in the most promiscous ways, i sit in a corner sipping the 200worth beers, watching the free movie and as my friend disects the creations of person of out with bare hands, these people clearly dont have respect for the precious commodity!.

Hours later we heading to the main branch in town where life's really at, ofcourse after a real good time as vips enjoying the exclusive company of the persons of out and me enjoying their gush (ili kashike) for basically we were the only guyz left and sure it did shika. In town it's mambo baad! full house i tell you and its 2 am people doing their thing ofcourse worseoff than that of previous joint and on screen real practical steps being shown of what is done in the club. i just sit glaring, sipping my beers worth 250 and watching as the loaded ones enjoy their time on the table ofcourse with my boy Saiga in his usual dissecting tactics. You know you hardly pull such moves when mbele nyuma you got only 5sok and when left by Saiga which is a very likely possibility you'll have to source a cab. 

One day trully i'll have to return hand to Saiga but when am loaded enough and also buy him people of trap but that is only when i fully embrace the life of business sio kuajiriwa in these banks that seem to crop up everyday and employ every graduate irregardlles of their major and pay them less than 30k which can hardly last a person like me for a week.I tell myself on this day HAPPY FATHERS DAY as i nurse the usual sarcasm from pm juu ya kulala nje previously.